Friendship

We often read what is expected of us as a friend…

We might see posts on Facebook for instance, where there is disappointment expressed… People not being there, letting us down when we needed a friend.

We might hit hard times, and ‘know who our friends are’, because those are the ones that stay or help or support or talk…

And of course there are covert rules in friendship, set up without discussion. Sometimes these work just fine, with two people ‘working’ off the same ‘map’, with the same beliefs and ideals…

Because we are always existing in multiple levels of context…

Whenever two people meet, there will first be the relationship between them – in this case friendship – and the episode, which might be meeting for a coffee and a catch up…

Then comes the unseen ‘map’ both carry, with a whole set of internal, sometimes unconscious beliefs, about what happens next… These will be based on family ideals as well as societal, cultural and spiritual beliefs…

And it isn’t until one of these is ‘broken’ that they reveal themselves.

A family belief or rule for friend 1 might be to always send a thank you note for a gift or a treat. If this isn’t true for friend 2 then when they don’t receive the thank you note, they might feel unloved, disappointed, let down, under valued.

So once again we return to the space.

The space between two friends is where the relationships exist; how safe and how full and how abundant this space is, defines the quality of the relationship.

This can only be worked out in each case; and the most important person is ourselves…

Because nothing is personal.

So if a friend has some different ‘ways’ to us, then if they ‘touch our buttons’ in any way; the first action is to clear our reactivity.

For instance, we must investigate and seek to clear the feeling of upset if a friends hasn’t sent a thank you note, or is late for a meet up, or hasn’t been in touch for a long time, or takes longer than we might to reply to a text…

Because any reaction is ours to clear… Do we feel abandoned, let down, unloved?

From a clear space we will be in a position to explore the ‘rules’ within the relationship. It will become evident whether it is simply something that now doesn’t matter a jot; or whether you would like a behaviour change, and if so, it is important that the space is safe to investigate this…

To create any ‘rules’ in friendship or in any relating, the higher the self esteem of all concerned the easier it is to explore. And high self worth comes through working to heal and clear anywhere within us that we do not feel good about ourselves.

Because of course there are things that build the relationship and things that break it down… So it is for us to work out when it is own reaction that is separating us, or whether the behaviour of another is not something we find enjoyable in friendship…

Friendship is meant to be fun, a place to share and love and be together, as well of course to grow.

Some friendships have seasons… Time when we do many things together, see one another a lot, share and love and laugh – and then life changes and there is a big gap – but this doesn’t mean that the space isn’t safe…

It can be silent and still with no meeting or talking for a long time; but still be safe and loving and ready for the next encounter.

And sometimes friendships end…

Although of course relationships cannot end or begin in the deepest sense; because we are always all connected all of the time.

We are one…

But it is what we do with the connections at various times, when the illusion of separateness allows us to see ourselves more clearly in the mirror of the friend in front of us.

And if an apparent ending happens, then this means that there is no longer a reflection… Not for now anyway, because the orbit may occur in the future, and once again we find ourselves in the reflection of one another

And so it is…

The most important thing is that we strive to be the best friend to ourselves that we can be… That we heal the gaps to wholeness and true love of ourselves and then this will of course be reflected in the relationships we encounter in our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clearing the way for the life we truly want to lead…

In my last article I talk about clearing reactivity as the basis to create the life we truly want to lead…

And to enjoy the harmony and expansion, passion and connection we dream of in our relationships…

Reactivity is a direct arrow to pain within, and when we react and act out of that reaction, we have instantly cut off love to ourselves, and of course to the other.

We are also no longer in the present moment…We are in the past, in fact we can be up to 90 percent in the past and so whatever plays out from reactivity is often hardly anything to do with the situation we are in, or the person… It is only that something ‘triggered’ you to remember some pain from when you were a baby or small child – and the ‘old brain’ is saying ‘danger danger’, because when we were small our very survival depended on the adults around us, and if we did or said something that seemed to threaten that safety, it felt ‘dangerous’ and we found ways to adapt so that we could navigate the world we inhabited…

But at the deepest level we all want to be whole, and so in adulthood, it is very powerful to learn that the triggers we experience can serve to point out to us where we need to clear this energy – so that we can live freely the life we truly want to lead…

This whole universe is made of energy. As we know from a physics perspective energy cannot be destroyed, but it can be transformed and transmuted…

When a new baby is born, we often project that they are in a clear state…

Of course this isn’t always the case after a difficult birth, or an unhappy pregnancy or the relationship they have been born into being one of conflict…

And then there is influence of past lives… Our energetic make up has been created over lifetimes and lifetimes, and has informed the parents, the country, the culture and circumstances we are born into, in this life…

This explains why children born into the same family will experience different issues, different lives, different experiences and will ‘respond’ differently to the rough and tumble of childhood, and have different adaptations to the occasions they felt any ‘danger’ or separation….

For the purpose of this article we will work with the experiences of this life, because this is the time we have now to work on – and the opportunity to clear the blocks to true love of self, to clarity, to being able to remember that we are born of consciousness which is beyond the duality of this universe…

The wonderful thing about being born into a human life, into the duality of light and dark, joy and sadness is that we have the perfect opportunity to work out the pain and the tension, the ‘stuff’ that has built up through our adaptations to the hurts, and disconnection we experienced in childhood – that pulls us this way and that – the yin to the yang – and gradually learn to live from the heart beyond duality…

So how do we do this?

The first place is to recognize that when we ‘react’, this is a direct arrow to our own pain.

The person that triggered us may well have behaved in a way that isn’t acceptable; but it is our trigger and our reaction that we must work with…

In my first article we worked with exploring our ‘paradigm’, all of our beliefs and stories and ideas – and to start to investigate and challenge them, and see if they hold true for us now…

Within this exploration we will also uncover where we didn’t feel loved enough, heard enough, understood enough, supported enough… We might also uncover where we felt disempowered by ‘too much’ support; where we didn’t ever experience criticism – and so were very wounded in school for instance, when we were first ‘told off’…
The exploration is ongoing and within finding out about our own personal story, we can see where we ‘react’; and start to trace back to what hurt the reaction relates too…

This is an interesting process, and human beings often like to ‘understand things’…

However, the real work comes when we commit to clearing this pain ourselves.We know our stories, but it is only us who can clear the pain in adulthood.

There can be huge support in loving relationships; but we cannot assume another wants to relate at this level…

The clearing work is our responsibility…

Of course the more we commit to this, the more likely we will discover other people similarly committed, and so the space between us becomes a safe place for exploration, understanding and clearing…

But the most important commitment is that we clear our own pain, and find the corner within us where love has not reached – and through clearing the pain bathe those places in light and love…

Practically we do this by first noticing when we have reacted; and this is every single reaction. It can be when someone allows a door to slam in our face, as much as bigger issues with a partner or children…

Then… Press an imaginary pause button….

Allow yourself to truly feel the feeling; breathe deeply and notice the still point at the top and the bottom of the breath; this silence can allow for the feeling to leave…

Clearing may not happen immediately; the most vital part of this process is to commit to always doing it.

Practicing watching the breath and connecting to the still point as a ‘daily practice’, can help with staying in touch with the part that is always still within us; and so when reactivity occurs, it gets easier to be silent and feel the feeling… Notice where it is in the body and watch it leave.

For some seeing it as a colour and watching it change helps; for some breathing it out; for some just waiting until the energy changes and the feeling leaves…

Like everything this requires practice and commitment and no attachment to an end ‘result…’

Whatever emerges from the clear space will emerge….