I don’t want to go…

It is almost 5 years since Anadi and I first connected…

My friend Amy was looking to see whether he might have some music on his ‘Sounds Orange’ website suitable for some meditations I had made…

He never received that email, but Amy did some further investigations and saw that he carried out interviews about meditation…

This is how it came that we were talking on the phone in November 2012, arranging for me to travel to London for a video interview about running as a meditation…

I remember in the interview speaking about the ease of living a life of meditation… Apart from running miles and miles on the South Downs, I lived alone and enjoyed a lot of solitude and silence in my daily life, which leant itself to staying still within…

Little did I know that my life was about to be whirled about, upheaved from its familiar rhythms and that very soon, I would be of no fixed abode, travelling the world with the man interviewing me and that he was to become my husband…

In fact he was to become my fifth husband…

All of my life, my driving force was relationship… It still is, but in a different way now.

I was born a romantic it seems, I loved dreaming about love and romance, connection, communication and ‘happily ever after’. I didn’t have much idea of what this was, or how it would look, but I was always in love with a boy… For as long as I can remember there was a focus for my daydreams, and my night time fantasies….

I was also aware from a young age that relationships needed attention and care, and that I was responsible for my bit.

I never found staying in touch with people difficult… I loved writing letters and talking for hours on the phone to Richard my boyfriend and to my friends…

It all came easily and naturally to me. I even navigated being bullied as an 8 year old – and then again as a 12 year old – without too much trauma, it seemed… Although the situations were difficult, I was popular and had other friends to spend time with and so I could avoid the attacks…

Because I enjoyed close intimacies with my friends and with Richard, there wasn’t really anything to question…

Things changed after the death of my mother, a slide into an eating disorder and the development of an unhealthy grooming relationship with my running coach.

On reflection I now see that the balance got tipped out then, and my ease in relating and relationship became tarnished.

This was because the relationship with myself had become damaged, and any feelings of being somehow ‘wrong and bad’ that I had brought into this life with me, had been accessed

I was carrying guilt and self hatred after the death of my mother and the confusion in the relating with my coach, and this self hatred became projected onto my body and my eating habits; the downward spiral had begun….

It took me many years to spiral up and blossom again.

All the relationships I engaged in offered me stepping stones of great learning, healing and self reflection.

I was the common denominator in them all; and I don’t see them as ‘going wrong’ or ‘failing’… I view them as wonderful episodes of intimacy and growth and of seeing myself magnified and reflected in the patterns, the pain, the joy the connection and the disconnection.

It was all there, because I was all there….

I don’t even see them as having ended, because I am still relating with all of them; we simply changed the form…

Changing the form may not have always felt exactly simple, but it was always negotiated with as much awareness and wisdom as we had at the time… Of course with hindsight there are things I would have done differently; but it was never going to be any different; this was my own journey to deeper connection and relationship and love within myself…

Of course relationship isn’t just with the romantic, sexual relationships in our life; relationship is with everyone we encounter… Every single interaction, every friendship or business relationship; every on line friend or business connection, every single dialogue is relationship in motion…

It is us reflected… It is us in motion…

The more intimate or ‘committed’ the relationship is, can often provide more opportunity for growth… But not necessarily of course.

So how come 5 years on from first connecting to Anadi am I still married to him and still journeying with him…?

Because I don’t want to go…. And it appears neither does he…

In my other committed relationships they came to a place where one of us wanted to go, it truly was as simple as that… It is at the deepest level always as simple as that. The confusion is the unresolved pain within us that change and perceived loss, can access… Someone else wanting to do something else is taken deeply personally and can be a very hard journey to navigate…

Everyone is a reflection of our energy, and therefore is somehow resonant to something within us…

If the vibration changes, the energy shifts, and the reflection isn’t relevant anymore then the form will change…. This happens anyway in relationships where two people may choose to remain married, or even living together, but the form of relating might be unrecognizable to the early stages either for the better or the worse…

But ultimately at the deepest level relating and relationship is about our relationship with ourself – and if we always keep this as the fundamental core orientation, then paradoxically it means that instead of looking for the one; we become the one and instead of looking for the other to be the best partner, friend, colleague, husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend; instead we look to focusing on our own lessons, our own clearing and becoming conscious of being the best friend, partner, lover, colleague that we can be simply through clearing our energy to one of open hearted authentic communication, where we are conscious in every moment of what we are putting into the space between us and the other, which is where the relationship is occurring…

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